


Wizards, Puppets, and Their Unexpected Parallels

by NoBrandHero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Family Bonding, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 08:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1297708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoBrandHero/pseuds/NoBrandHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose and Dirk have a family relationship built on knowing nothing about each other, which works fine for them save for the rare occasions that they have to exchange conversation. In an attempt to find some common ground, they end up bonding over their least wholesome hobby: producing porn for Internet consumption.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn't that Rose disliked her father. It was difficult to have any opinion on a person she barely knew. She supposed she could have resented him for not writing more often, for living so far away that they only saw each other a couple of times a year, for being too gay to stay in a relationship with the woman who bore his children... But, in all honesty, she didn't mind the distance.

Or she didn't mind it save for the very rare occasions that they shared a room and had nothing to say to each other.

It was... sweet of Roxy to grab Dave and run an errand to give them a chance for father-daughter bonding during the Striders' visit, really it was. Roxy just mustn't have thought it through very well, considering they had no inclination to converse other than to kill the awkward silence.

Rose busied herself with a knitting project, just a simple scarf to finish off a leftover skein, and was a few rows along when Dirk returned from the kitchen with a beer in hand. He sat next to her on the couch, still giving her plenty of space, and cracked open the bottle.

"So." He took a decent sip as if she might break the silence if he waited long enough. "You like robots?"

Rose barely glanced from her work. "No."

"Rap?"

"No."

"Puppets?"

She rolled her eyes. "Definitely not."

He frowned. "Shitty movies?"

"No."

"My Little Pony?"

She raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"What?" he said flatly.

She just stared at him until he cleared his throat and took another sip of his beer.

"Any thoughts on hats?" he said.

She shrugged. "I've made them as gifts."

"Ever sew plushes?"

"Not quite." She raised her half-finished scarf for emphasis.

"Do any sparring?"

"Not really."

"Make Internet porn?"

"Yes," she said with the same indifferent tone she'd used for every dismissal.

Dirk opened his mouth and looked ready to throw out another hobby, then paused. "What." He actually sounded startled for once.

She smirked. "What?"

His stoic facade returned in a hurry. "My sarcasm radar's broken, isn't it?"

"Perhaps. But I wasn't joking."

"Really," he said, sounding skeptical.

She tilted her head in a shrug. "I've written my fair share of well-received erotic fanfiction epics."

He relaxed. "What, that's all?"

She paused her knitting and fixed him with a stare. "You have not seen true horror until you've gazed into the void of a kink meme."

"Nah, you should see the whoppers I get in the comments section." He took a swig of his beer and almost shuddered. "You'd think a site as shameless as a host for puppet porn wouldn't need comment moderation. You'd think _wrong_."

She smiled a little despite herself. "I don't suppose these comments include a deluge of requests for sequels to perfectly concluded pieces of smut that never had a plot to begin with?"

"Pretty much every damn video. You?"

"Mm-hm." She nodded and returned her attention to the scarf. "I don't often mind -- it _is_ quite a compliment -- but it's startling all the same."

"Those requests are way more obnoxious when you're working with puppets that you've already maimed. Fuck, it's not like I have an archive or like I already upload new shit weekly or anything. Nah, gotta revisit some finished crap, fix all the mangled plushes, make a series I don't give two shits about."

"Well, take solace in the fact that at least original work doesn't get comments like," she cleared her throat and pitched her voice up, "why would you ever ship those two? You should write my OTP instead!"

He snorted. "Oh, I can outdo _that_. Why is there so much porn involving puppets on a site specializing in puppet kink?"

She set her knitting aside to throw up her hands in mock exasperation. "Why are these two men fucking? Don't you know fictional characters are straight by default?"

"This video is disgusting and immoral and you should be ashamed of yourself despite covering your site in warnings that the content isn't for the faint of heart and I clicked play anyway." He shook a finger. "I'm telling my pastor!"

"This isn't hot at all! I don't like this kink! I don't like that pairing! How could you write for your own enjoyment when there are Internet trolls to feed? I'm going to read all two hundred of your fics now!"

They both broke into laughter.

He shook his head. "People and their complaints over free wanking material."

She hid her smile behind a hand. "If I'm not providing what they're looking for, they're perfectly free to not read it. Unlike some people in the nearby vicinity, I don't even get ad revenue for my hard work."

He nodded and took a long swig of his beer. His eyes were hidden behind his shades, but she was fairly sure he was considering her. "I've had plans in the works to launch a new section on the site for written material," he said. "If you wanted ad revenue."

She wrinkled her nose. "I don't write about violent puppets."

"Doesn't have to be puppets." He shrugged. "I've catered to other kinks before."

She narrowed her eyes. "Gay wizards?"

He smirked. "Bring it."

She waited a good fifteen seconds for him to back down or call it a joke before she slid off the couch to grab her laptop from across the room. "I... need to go change some character names."

"I may have to act as editor though and check over the accuracy of all this doubtlessly well-researched gay sex before it goes up on a professional site. That okay?"

" _God yes_." She flopped next to him and opened the laptop. She was so relieved to find a beta reader who wasn't female that she forgot her usual anxieties about showing her writing to a family member.

Roxy and Dave arrived home in time to hear them debating the most realistic application of magical lubricants. Dave promptly locked himself in the bedroom to avoid any further discussions. Roxy was all smiles and excitement that they were finally getting along, but Rose didn't need to break out her psychoanalysis skills to recognize the dismay in her eyes that plainly communicated, "God _dammit_. I leave you two alone for an hour and, of all the options at your disposal, you bond over _smut_."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidental pesterlog epilogue! I'm as surprised as you are! It ran away from me and got a little sappy though. Oops.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TT: Yo.  
TT: Can I help you?  
TT: It's Dirk.  
TT: But I know so many Dirks.  
TT: That doesn't narrow it down even a smidgen.  
TT: Could you be more specific, Mr. Dirk?  
TT: It's your publisher, you willfully ignorant ass.  
TT: What a relief. For a minute there I was worried you were family.  
TT: Hysterical.  
TT: I asked Dave for your chumhandle.  
TT: Figured we'd both find this method of communication more efficient than playing phone tag.  
TT: Presumably. Not that we've ever tried other methods before, but I imagine we're both online more than is healthy.  
TT: How goes our venture? I've checked the site, but it's not terribly insightful on the statistics front.  
TT: I'm still unused to hosting my writing anywhere that doesn't have some form of review and kudos system in place.  
TT: Yeah, we've got analytics software instead. I'll show you sometime.  
TT: Anyway, the writing site's not garnering as big of a following compared to the videos, but that's not a surprise. It's new and most of my regular audience is probably too fucking lazy to read anyway, so we're kind of building from the ground up.  
TT: Good news is, your work's easily the most popular of the lot.  
TT: And that's despite the lack of puppets.  
TT: Remind me to send a fistbump your way next time I'm in New York.  
TT: Noted. "Dirk owes: 1 fistbump."  
TT: "Also: 1 paycheck."  
TT: You'll see your cut sitting pretty in your Paypal account at the end of next month, weasel.  
TT: "Also x2: one apology for name-calling."  
TT: You're pushing it.  
TT: You want to talk business or not?  
TT: Says the very professional man calling his employee a weasel.  
TT: So you have another point of interest for me before this conversation derails into a steady stream of sarcasm?  
TT: Figured we should talk future projects, if you're still interested in delivering more content.  
TT: Standalones are always fine, but how do you feel about a serial? End on a few cliffhangers, trick what little audience we have into subscribing to the RSS feed, build up a following that way.  
TT: Serial smut?  
TT: Are we talking PWP?  
TT: I'm going out on a limb and guessing that's some bullshit fanfic vernacular.  
TT: "Porn Without Plot."  
TT: Huh. Okay, not a bad term.  
TT: Maybe 90% PWP then. That doable on your end?  
TT: I should be able to manage.  
TT: Do you doubt my capabilities still?  
TT: Nah, I know you're capable. Just giving you an opening to back out if it's not your thing.  
TT: No point in making porn if you don't enjoy the process.  
TT: Ironically?  
TT: Sometimes.  
TT: I'll grant you an exception.  
TT: I'm honored.  
TT: You know, I should have gathered this from your prose, but I wasn't expecting your chat style to stray so far from your mother's.  
TT: Oh?  
TT: u mean were u epxectin me 2 type more liek this? *expectin  
TT: Uh. Yeah, I guess not.  
TT: Less that I was expecting to see your mother's typing style, more that I wasn't expecting to see my own style mirrored at me.  
TT: I'm fairly sure this is my typing style, actually, seeing as I've never been privy to yours before and thus couldn't copy it.  
TT: And the fact we have matching initials is also a coincidence?  
TT: Are you trying to imply something, O Father Dearest?  
TT: Oh my god, never call me that again.  
TT: Why not, Papa?  
TT: Stop.  
TT: I have no idea what you're talking about...  
TT: Daddy.  
TT: Jesus Christ.  
TT: Just call me Bro, all right?  
TT: Well, that's kind of an odd choice, but okay, Dave.  
TT: Rose.  
TT: For the love of god.  
TT: You know what I meant.  
TT: Is something the matter, my beloved parental figure I never knew growing up and who still chooses to distance himself at every turn as if we bear no relation?  
TT: ...  
TT: Will you cut the bullshit if I let you call me Dad?  
TT: Maybe.  
TT: Fine. Knock yourself out.  
TT: Just don't tell Dave I said you could.  
TT: Okay then.  
TT: Dad.  
TT: ...Okay then.  
TT: Was that really so bad?  
TT: You hold grudges, don't you?  
TT: Whatever would I be holding a grudge against you for, Dad?  
TT: You want the laundry list?  
TT: Please. Enlighten me.  
TT: Well, there's always the fact I moved halfway across the damn country when you were too young to remember and you haven't seen me and your brother more than twice a year since.  
TT: Or the way Dave's been better than I am at keeping in touch with you after he learned to type.  
TT: Or maybe you're rightfully pissed that I've never in your presence acknowledged that I'm your father instead of some distant family member.  
TT: Take your pick. A, B, C, or all of the above?  
TT: So you're aware of all that.  
TT: I have always been fucking aware of all that.  
TT: I'm a shit parent and I know it, Rose. There's no damn point in addressing me as your father when I'm no better than a freakishly older sibling.  
TT: For fuck's sake, you're a minor and I'm letting you write for a porn site. A site that I fucking run.  
TT: You think I'm not completely aware of how fucked up that is?  
TT: Well. You're encouraging me to pursue what I love.  
TT: That's something.  
TT: It's not enough.  
TT: But it's a start.  
TT: Mom's calling me down for dinner.  
TT: Next time I see you online, do I pretend this conversation never happened and stick strictly to business?  
TT: Or can I keep referring to you as my father?  
TT: ...  
TT: Call me Dad, Rose.  
TT: Okay. I'll talk to you later.  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: You know, you really are a good writer.  
TT: If you ever want to branch off into more reputable genres, I think you could manage it.  
TT: I'd prefer to keep a low profile and stick to our nefarious ventures for now.  
TT: Well, you'll do fine at that too.  
TT: Thank you, Dad.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think Rose even cares that much about Dirk's failings as a parental unit. She just likes how the topic makes him squirm.


End file.
